The march of Time carries on, with no remorse for the toll it takes on humans or the planet. Time, personified in this particular post, is an unfeeling tyrant, with a death grip on us all. Time is intangible, yet measurable, and the one thing about Time that you can count on is that it will march on. Time will march on long after we've come and gone, and Time will continue to build up and tear down civilizations for as long as the universe allows till the end of it. Providing the universe actually does end depending on which theory of physics you subscribe to. I have had the good fortune to exist within this period of time for nearly thirty years now and I've experienced particularly great highs, and incredibly depressing lows. All of which has added to the entity that is Mark Wade, forming my personality and adjusting my world view as I've marched alongside Time.
Most of the early part of my twenties I was pretty sure I had figured out how the world worked. Having experienced childhood traumas and living on the lower end of society had prepared me for early independence. I embraced independence with little to no thought to what life and to a lesser degree, Time, had had in store for me. All of my issues that I tried hard to bury and ignore had simply festered and manifested itself into character flaws that ultimately led to utter ruin several years ago from the date of this post I present to you. In fact I've learned more about myself in the past three or four years wallowing in sorrow and exploring the ugly side of life, time, and most importantly my mind, than I had ever bothered to learn in the first quarter century of my walk on earth. A portion of these things I aim to share with my readers...
Life is longer than we're willing to admit and somehow it flies by as though there's hardly anytime at all...
As a growing young man I went through at least six or seven different types of personae... I think... if I sat and thought long enough it'd probably only be three. The persona I have landed with now is the one I'm most inclined to stick with. An amalgamation of all my past world views, after cutting out significant amounts of BS of course. I'm surprised with what I'm left with. People like me, for some strange reason I've yet to put my finger on. I've been called a manipulator by some people that are very close to me. At the time I had no idea what they meant. I did it all subconsciously. But as of late I see myself doing that, and I have to tone it back. It turns out I have quite a level of charm that I never knew I had. I'm completely scared of it. Mostly because half of me wants to take and use this power to the fullest extent, hurting everyone in my path to feed my insatiable lust for everything. While the other half just doesn't want to be a dick to everyone, I want to settle down and build something that could last... Consolidating these two idiosyncrasies will be a major part of my travels into my thirties.
So speaking of hurting everyone, I'm reminded of a time I did just that... As I barreled through a self destructive path of drugs and self loathing I broke the trust and hurt many people dear to me.. I was in a very dark place mentally and couldn't see past the incredibly thick veil of misery I had draped over my eyes subconsciously. I'm grateful that my son was far to young to remember those wicked days. I don't think I'm ready for details yet. But that's an inner demon that I came to terms with and I'm fairly confident that it'll never creep on me to that degree ever again. That episode made me stronger mentally, but has severely hampered my social and financial status.
Being in this new debilitated state has humbled me greatly and opened my eyes to a part of life that I once scoffed at. People in my current position were subject to ridicule when I was a bit more wealthy. It seems every human has a story. No matter how insignificant they are to me, they had a series of events that led them down the road to non-prosperity. I took a hard fall and now I walk along side these people, which has given me a new appreciation for them, and to a greater degree, myself. I'm still learning not to spend like I make tons of money. It's a hard habit to break.
I finally put a value on my life. A few years ago, suicide was totally an option. I tried a few times with horrible results. I'm reminded of a lyric written by Peter Steele of Type O Negative "World renown failure at both death and life..." Of course with me I'm less renowned... And for that reason I decided that becoming a statistic is no longer an option. The world had the poor fortune of causing me, so I aim to make it pay. The shortcut of suicide would rob me of the attempt to inflict bad fortune, or good fortune on this world, depending on what path I choose.
On the opposite note I can take stock in those that have stuck by me, and the new people I've allowed into my wonderfully strange life. These people around me now are likely going to be the people I stick with for many, many years and I hope that most of these years are more better than worse. I'm marrying into a family that appears to accept all of my eccentricities, and have a few of their own which endears them to me endlessly and compels me to spend time with them. I won't get too much into all that yet. That could be a post for later.
Now more than ever I wished that I lived closer to my son, Isaac. As now it would seem that I'm becoming the father that he deserves, save the 400+ miles that separate us. I speak with him weekly and I try to visit with him as often as I can, but my greatest hopes and fears reside in how he views me. Whether or not he loves me, and whether or not he'll understand exactly why I'm so far away now, and why I've done what I had to do. I can't write enough words to properly convey how I feel for him. I'll save all that for another day as well though...
I'm sure I could go on and on, but I'm pretty sure the point of these things is to post things regularly, I suppose I shouldn't blow my entire load on one freaking post...
